How To Have True Intimacy In Your Relationship
In this day and time relationships are very hard to maintain. The attitude is that if this relationship doesn’t work out than I will find another one. One of the reasons people live together instead of getting married is so the breakup will be less of a headache and less time consuming. People expect to break up after a while. In the days when my parents got married, it was considered a life long commitment. My parents were married from 1936 until my mother passed away in 1992. Even than, my father never remarried. In his mind, he was still married to my mother. As my father was dying in September of 2000 he spoke of my mother and about being with her again. I am not saying my parent’s marriage was perfect, but they worked through any problems they had. Besides the attitude that relationships don’t last, there is sexual freedom and temptations. There is the unwillingness of two people to work out their problems. It is easier to give up than to work at a relationship. Both people in the marriage usually work and they have less time for each other on a personal level.
I perform wedding ceremonies, but before I do, I offer a simple premarital class. I feel the things I have to teach them, if they choose to listen, will help them stay together as life long partners.
The number one killer of a relationship is the lack of intimacy. In todays society the fear of intimacy is an enormous problem. How often have you revealed yourself or something to someone you felt you could trust, just to have them use it against you ? Or they become angry with you, causing you to regret bringing it up in the first place.
What is intimacy ? It is a warm closeness and friendship with another. It is the willingness to be vulnerable and open to another person, and a connection between the thinking, emotions and spirituality of two people It consists of love, trust and the ability to communicate on a deep personal level. It is the ability to share ourselves on a soul level. When intimacy is present in a partnership it raises the level of sexual pleasure and passion. It is what makes us feel that we have found a unique person and we are in “ the relationship “ meant for us.
A lot of people today meet and get married or move in with each other right away. Relationships are founded on Chemistry and attraction is confused for love. There is no time to form a friendship much less one based on intimacy. Than when a seemingly happy couple break up everyone wonders what went wrong.
One Example Of How To Kill Intimacy
Tell your partner they should not feel what they are feeling.
Example: A husband and wife are in public. The husband looks to his right. It just so happens in his visual range is a very sexy and beautiful woman. She catches the husband’s eye. The wife sees this and detects what she thinks is a spark of attraction between her husband and the other woman. It bothers her and causes her to feel a little jealous. When they get home, the wife asks her husband about it. She admits to him that she felt threatened. ( intimate revelation ) The husband tells her she is being silly, that he loves her and would never look at another woman. He states that he never noticed the woman anyway. Because the wife thought she saw a spark between them when their eyes met, the wife thinks the husband is lying, If he is lying she thinks he has something to hide. The more she thinks about it the more jealous and fearful she becomes. To get reassurance from her husband she tells him again about her fear.( deeper intimate revelation-putting herself in an even more vulnerable position ) The husband gets angry and tells her to stop being so jealous just because a pretty woman is in the same room with them He tells her to stop nagging him. Now the wife feels that he has just admitted that he not only saw the woman, he also thinks she is attractive. They fight about it. Later that night when all has quietened down, the husband approaches the wife for sex. The wife tells him, no way.
From this incident more fights could occur, or infidelity and even divorce.
Who was wrong in this instance ? Clearly, it was the husband. No, I am not taking up for the woman because we are both female
What the husband did that was wrong He told her how she should and should not feel. Feelings are not wrong. If it is wrong to be jealous than it is wrong to be happy. And what we feel is very real to us even though sometimes our feelings are not warrantied. He avoided talking about it anymore. When we truly love someone we allow them to talk about good and bad things. If a person can only express the things that are right and the things that are happy and never allowed to talk about what bothers them than the relationship will never work. When she revealed her soul to him ( admitting jealousy is a hard thing to do ) he took it and used it against her. ( not only did he put her down about her feelings, he showed anger. ) He refused to assure her on an intimate level. When our partners bring up the things that bother them, it is because they want to fix and resolve them. Not talking about it will only cause resentment to build. He refused to admit to being fallible ( he said he would never look at another woman and although he may feel this is true, he is human and is subject to temptation ) He became angry when she wanted reassurance He wanted to have sex with her after devaluing her ( No person with self esteem would allow you to devalue them in one room and value you in another. This also gives a person the idea they are good for you for only one reason.
How to have intimacy Take your partner’s concerns and feelings seriously. Though we do not always agree with someone we can at least show we care about the other person’s fears and concerns. This will build trust. Do not devalue your partner by telling them their feelings are stupid, silly or uncalled for. When we feel or think something it is very real to us. If we remember this we can be more compassionate with our partner.
Allow your partner to express the negative aspects so they can be corrected Allowing only positive expression is not realistic and will only kill your relationship. Allowing negative feedback will show your partner you care about the success of the relationship.
Ask your partner what they want from the relationship. Get to know your partner.
If your partner wants you to do something you do not want to do, try to think of alternatives.
Express your preferences to your partner. Express the good and the bad.
True love causes you to put yourself in the place of your partner. This way you can know what your partner is experiencing.
Value your partner in the living room as much as you do in the bedroom.
Allowing your partner to be vulnerable causes them to trust you. No one enjoys being around someone they do not trust. Once your partner has allowed themselves to be vulnerable with you ( revealing to you the things that make them happy, sad, jealous etc ) do not use any of it against them. For instance if a person expresses to their partner that something or someone made them jealous ( revealing their vulnerability ) and every time they disagree, the partner belittles them for their jealousy, this is using it against them.
Becoming intimate causes our sexuality to feel like spirituality.
When we love someone we try to understand them. If we do not understand them we t least stand by them. Loyalty is as important as being faithful.
All in all if you allow intimacy into your relationship, it will last possibly forever.